Anytime I travel, I pack a small, 2-ounce bottle of this shit in my carry-on. Why? Because tingly balls know no geographic boundary. Shit. I even brought a bottle of it to Vene-F'ing-Zuela when I went there last year. The customs guy said, "Oye amigo, ¿Qué son estos líquidos?" To which I responded, "Esta botella tiene jabon del Doctor Bronner." So he goes, "Y ¿por qué lo llevaste aquí?" And I said, "Porque los cojones que pican no saben ningún frontera geográfica."
Don't sit there and tell me you're satisfied with your current soap. Bullshit. What are you using right now, Dove? Or Dove for Men? Or even worse, some kind of Axe shit? Come the F on. Look at the ingredients in that massive bottle. Those soaps contain all kinds of cancer-causing chemical shit that make them fragrant and foamy. You really want to rub "sodium lauroyl Isethionate" on your ass every day for 50 years? First, you're washing your ass with a soap that contains a word that begins with "LS." Are you serious? In my regular job, I teach kids to read, and this letter combination is bullshit. Second, you're washing bacteria and grime off your ass, and washing on a giant F'ing tumor every time you use that shit. Stop.
And what about your hand soap dispenser? Are you using that shit from Target that comes in that raindrop-shaped bottle because it comes in a cool raindrop-shaped bottle? Look at their ingredient list--it screams of cancer-causing shit. "Safe for humans" my ass. Maybe you're buying that soap with suspended beads in it. Why the hell are you washing your hands with soap that has suspended F'ing beads in it? You think mother nature organically dropped some beads in soap? Come on. Mix some Dr. Bronner's with some distilled water and you've got an organic hand soap that will last months. Ok, weeks. You can even use tap water if you want. It's still better than that $2.99 bottle you picked up from CVS because you couldn't even drive your ass to Target to buy the shit that comes in the cool, raindrop-shaped bottle.
Speaking of which, get your ass over to Whole Foods right now and buy a bottle of this shit. A 32 ounce container will run you around 10 bucks and last forever (6 months). What, you don't have that kind of cash? Bullshit. Stop spending $9 on a bag of teriyaki kale chips, and buy Dr. Bronner's instead. Your kale chips won't make your balls tingle.
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| It's fair trade, organic, and magic. The magic is when your balls tingle. |
